Today’s Category:
The top seven reasons to join the church choir

7. The auditions are far less embarrassing than trying out for American Idol.

6. You’ve just been selected for jury duty and want to get used to sitting with a group of your peers.

5. The collection plate is never passed to the choir.

4. Special vibrating massage pews in the choir loft.

3. You’re running out of clean clothes and the choir robes save on laundry.

2. Pants optional.  Need I say more?

And the number one reason for joining the church choir is:

1. Choir robes are flattering for every body type.  And the colors are smashing!

Today’s Category:
The top seven reasons to keep the “Single Sock” when its match has been lost

7.  Wear it with a different “Single Sock” – the mismatched pair will go particularly well with your tie-dye t-shirt, cut-off jeans, and birkenstocks.

6.  You just went through the heartache of losing one sock, why make it harder on yourself?

5.  You’re promoting diversity over conformism. Free the oppressed and unmatched socks!

4.  They make good sacrifices to the dryer gods who are always hungry for more socks.

3.  They make great Christmas gifts for Crazy Uncle Louie.

2.  Keep them in the dryer as bait for the gnomes that stole them. Gnomes are worth a fortune on e-bay these days.

And the number one reason to keep your ”Single Socks:”

1.  As the Apostle Paul said, “The blue sock cannot say to the black sock, ‘I have no need of you.’  Indeed, we are the sock drawer of Christ and individually members of it.

Today’s Category:
The top seven comments overheard at the last church potluck/covered dish dinner

7.  Oh, what an interesting texture!

6.  Really, you say missionaries gave you this recipe?!?

5.  Oh, Fred, don’t get worked up, she told you it was a new Band-Aid! Besides, you love potato salad!

4.  Jim, saying, “I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit,” doesn’t excuse your double dipping!

3.  Trudy, your egg salad sculpture of the preacher is very, um, uh, er…creative!

2.  If Jell-O and vegetables were meant to exist together, Bill Cosby would have been a vegetarian!

And the number one comment overheard at the last church potluck:

1.  Was that SUPPOSED to be crunchy?

Today’s Top Seven List is especially for my friend Bruce who is in the midst of an extended move…

Today’s Category:
The top seven BEST things about moving:

7. I can’t find the list!

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Today’s Category:
The Top Seven Ways to Promote Growth in the Local Church

7.  Offer double frequent flyer miles with every visit!

6.  Use “Big Gulp” communion cups!

5.  Issue “Get Out of Hell Free” cards to each member!

4.  Two words:  Reclining Pews!

3.  Begin a new “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” format for the sermon!

2.  Every fourth week raffle off the offering!

And the number one way to promote growth in the local church:

1.  Open a Starbucks franchise in the church lobby!

Today’s Category:
Jeff’s Top Seven Rules for Living

8. There are 3 kinds of people in this world: Those who can count and those who can’t.

7. There is no such thing as “Jumbo” shrimp, “Tasty” Brussels sprouts, or “Good” music sung by Barney.

6. I love cats. They taste just like chicken.

5. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look too surprised.

4. If there isn’t any good news to report, go out and make some!

3. There is ALWAYS room for ice cream.

2. Always remember: You’re unique, just like everybody else.

And Jeff’s Number One “Rule for Living:”

1. Love life! This isn’t a rehearsal!

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Another installment of the Top Seven… 

Today’s Category:
The top seven verses in that famous book omitted from the Bible, “The Gospel According to Jeff”:

7.  And the Lord spoketh unto Moses saying, “And the eleventh commandment is this: Man (and let me be precise here Moses – no options in the Hebrew translation – I mean the male of the species here) shall get dibs on the remote, all electronic gadgets, power tools, and the keys to the cooler of the vehicles in the driveway.”

6.  “We shall not live by bread alone. But an occasional Danish pastry, Cinnabon, or Entenmann’s is all part of a healthy diet!”

5.  “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God. Seek ye second a Starbucks or Caribou Coffee.”

4.  “And God saw all that God had created and behold it was very good. Well, except for those pesky little mosquitoes. We could do without those next time.”

3.  “Behold I stand at the door and knock. Anyone who answers the door – I promise I won’t try to sell you anything, ask you to sign a petition, or convert you to a different religion.”

2.  “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. Well, I’d kinda like season tickets to the Cavs, and a little place at the beach, and a getaway in the mountains wouldn’t be too bad either, and…”

And the number one verses in that famous book omitted from the Bible, “The Gospel of Jeff”:

1.  And Jesus turned from them to ascend into heaven on the clouds. The clouds parted, and the sky opened up to receive the Son of God. He turned to his disciples and in his final words to them as he rose on the clouds asked, “Any questions, comments, smart alec remarks?”

About ten years ago I began a practice of composing “Top Seven Lists” for a Sunday morning class I taught (called “Theology in the Round”).  I was going through some old files on the computer this morning and chuckled at some of these lists.  I might just have to share some of those with the Cafe readers.  This was one of my favorites, presented here with my tongue firmly implanted into my cheek…

Jeff’s Top Seven List

The Presidential Prayer Team is currently urging us to: “Pray for the President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify the definition of marriage. Pray that it will be according to Biblical principles. With many forces insisting on variant definitions of marriage, pray that ‘God’s Word’ and His standards will be honored by our government.”

So, in honor of our Presidential Prayer Team’s request is today’s list…

The Top Seven Biblical Principles for a Constitutional Amendment on Marriage

7.  Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Genesis 29:17-28; II Samuel 3:2-5.)

6.  Marriage shall not impede a man’s right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives. (II Samuel 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chronicles 11:21)

5.  A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deuteronomy 22:13- 21)

4.  Marriage between a believer and a nonbeliever shall be forbidden. (Genesis 24:3; Numbers 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Nehemiah 10:30; 2 John 1:9-11; 2 Corinthians 6:14-17)

3.  Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the Constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deuteronomy 22:19; Matthew 5:32; Mark 10:9)

2.  If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother’s widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law. (Genesis 38:6-10; Deuteronomy 25:5-10)

And the Number One Biblical Principle for a Constitutional Amendment on Marriage…

1.  Marriage may only be sanctioned between a man and a woman when the woman agrees to obey and submit to the authority of her husband, not speak in disagreement to him, and to honor his wishes and requests. (Ephesians 5:22-24; 1 Corinthians 11:3; Colossians 3:18; I Timothy 2:11-12; Titus 2:3, 5; I Peter 3:1)

Of course there are more we could add, but we wouldn’t want to overwhelm the American public with the Truth of the Bible all at once. At least this can get us started…