Top Seven: The Gospel According to Jeff

Another installment of the Top Seven… 

Today’s Category:
The top seven verses in that famous book omitted from the Bible, “The Gospel According to Jeff”:

7.  And the Lord spoketh unto Moses saying, “And the eleventh commandment is this: Man (and let me be precise here Moses – no options in the Hebrew translation – I mean the male of the species here) shall get dibs on the remote, all electronic gadgets, power tools, and the keys to the cooler of the vehicles in the driveway.”

6.  “We shall not live by bread alone. But an occasional Danish pastry, Cinnabon, or Entenmann’s is all part of a healthy diet!”

5.  “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God. Seek ye second a Starbucks or Caribou Coffee.”

4.  “And God saw all that God had created and behold it was very good. Well, except for those pesky little mosquitoes. We could do without those next time.”

3.  “Behold I stand at the door and knock. Anyone who answers the door – I promise I won’t try to sell you anything, ask you to sign a petition, or convert you to a different religion.”

2.  “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. Well, I’d kinda like season tickets to the Cavs, and a little place at the beach, and a getaway in the mountains wouldn’t be too bad either, and…”

And the number one verses in that famous book omitted from the Bible, “The Gospel of Jeff”:

1.  And Jesus turned from them to ascend into heaven on the clouds. The clouds parted, and the sky opened up to receive the Son of God. He turned to his disciples and in his final words to them as he rose on the clouds asked, “Any questions, comments, smart alec remarks?”

~ by Jeff on August 21, 2007.